THAT (that) wrote,


Many people would be appalled by the phrase CHINESE ARTIFICIAL BEEF, but me, as a guy who struggles to remain vegan, I'm all for it. I have no problem with making things taste like meat. My ethics are predicated on actions rather than symbols. No animals were harmed? I'll eat it.

Oh, and look, very easy to prepare. That's always a plus in my book. I'm quite sure I could learn to make delicious ramen from scratch, but that is not the point. I want my packaged Asian noodles to steal as little of my time as possible before they deliver me instant yummies, thus allowing me to resume whatever I was doing, which was probably trying to figure out the chords to some old jazz song. If I spend too much time fiddling with noodles, I could wind up playing a half-diminished chord where a dominant 7th with a b9 would be more piquant and THAT, my friends, that will not do.

Yes, I know, that's a lot of sodium. We're talking about ramen here. As a vegan, I don't have to worry too much about stuff like that anyway.

I like this tiny illustration demonstrating the proper eating posture and array, but it does look a bit complicated. And where's the laptop? Surely they're not suggesting that I eat withoout being connected to the world wide intellect? *scoffs*

So, how did it taste? The drum roll, please...I'll tell you what, chief, that was the best, most Chinese Artifical Beef I have ever encountered. If there is a more delicious or more Chinese Artificial Beef somewhere out there, I need to know about it, stat, because I need it in my life. This whole experience was so pleasingly rapid and roundly edible in its results that I could stand to have it repeated pretty much every afternoon.

Thank you, the Chinese people. Thank you, Chong's Oriental Market of Columbia, Missouri. Thank you, Filipino sailors who braved pirates in the Strait of Malacca to sail this little package of dried noodles and their attendant powdered flavor-packet halfway around the globe in a rusty freighter for wages even a musician would find shocking. It takes a global village to make a lunch experience that grooves with my bachelor lifestyle and you pulled it off, all of you, together. I love this world we live in!

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