THAT (that) wrote,

Johnny Neptune Is Here To Help

In this, your time of grief, you will need a steady hand to ease you through the many difficult decisions that will confront you. Here at Johnny Neptune's Funeral Home For Fish, licensed Aquatic Grief Consultants are standing by.

If you would like a traditional service with all the trappings, we offer a variety of Anchored Viewing© options. If you would like the very best for your finned friend, we can rent small schools of Black Mourners who will swim about the viewing area in an appropriately sombre manner.

If cremation is your choice, we offer a number of state-of-the-art underwater immolation options. All our submerged kilns are tastefully festooned as sunken treasure chests, buxom mermaids or tiny medieval castles.

If budget is a concern, or if your dearly departed was a generous soul, please consider our organ donation program. This is a cost-effective way to offer the gift of life to a needy fish from a less fortunate aquarium. You will receive a letter of thanks from the owner of the organ recipient.  (Please see the species compatibility catalogue for more information.)

In short, we will swim the seven seas to see that your treasured underwater family member is sent off with dignity, style and economy, so please do not hesitate to reach out to us. We're here for you.

*Remember that it is important to contact us within 5 minutes of your fish's passing. Please keep our phone number by the tank at all times, though out of sight of its inhabitants, of course.  Please be sure that your fish has expired; we will not be responsible in the event it is only taking a nap.

*Johnny Neptune's Funeral Home For Fish is a wholly owned division of Global Aquatic Ofall, L.L.C., and is no longer affiliated in any way with Worldwide Oceanic Refuse Inc. or its partner,

(C) 2011 David Morrison

Tags: humor
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