THAT (that) wrote,
THAT
that

Not With A Bang, But A Whimper

I talked my friends Ben & Michelle into going to a seminar on the book of Revelation last Saturday, at the Best Western on Highway 20. I was hoping for some off-the-chain religious paranoia. Revelation is, after all, the craziest book in the bible by a mile.



I mean, when someone in my community feels strongly enough about the impending apocalypse to mail me a full-color circular, my interest is piqued. Either the world really is going to end in a fiery clash of good and evil, or else some of these deceptively bland-looking midwesterners down at the Hy-Vee salad bar are just bat-shit crazy. Either way, it's something I need to know about. And if I can find out about it for free, why, so much the better. I once held fast through a hard sell for time-share condominiums, just to get free tickets to something or other--I forget what--so I'm not too worried about my resistance to tired religious tropes.



Well, I've got some bad news for you. I know how kids in the 1950's must have felt when they were tricked into watching lame monster movies by lurid posters that promised much more than the films delivered. Where was that giant octopus from the poster? They just sat around in a drawing room talking through the whole movie.

You'd think surely the people who sent me THIS are on fire with religious passion.



Alas, no. It reminded me of a UFO convention I went to once. I came out of it baffled: how could first person accounts of space aliens be so boring? Simply amazing. A complete let-down.

It was like Sunday school at the old folks home, complete with giant print bibles. I have never been to anything so dull. Now, granted, there are another 23 sessions to go: 3 a week for 8 weeks. I bet the last few sessions will get pretty wacky... I mean, they have to talk about the BEAST at some point right? Right? So I should go back?
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